ONE YEAR post adoption update

Gotcha Day January 10, 2016 and one year later January 10, 2017

I seriously can not believe it has been one year since Hope was placed in my arms. I liken this past year to having an infant. The first year with an infant is always physically and emotionally exhausting but there is also so much growth and change that happens within that first year as that infant becomes a baby with personality and starts walking and talking. And that's exactly how this past year has been with Hope. It has been incredibly hard with lots of challenges but now that we can look back we can see so much growth, and it's amazing to compare the child she was a year ago with the child she is now. So here's a little update on Hope after one crazy year home!

Christmas Eve 2016

1. Language-This is probably the number one thing we are still working on. At her 9 month update she was taking speech 2 days a week and now she is at 3 days. She is able to put two and sometimes three words together now but generally she will try and get away with just one word if she can. For instance if she wants juice, she'll come up to me and just say, "Juice". I have to push her to say, "I want juice". And she can do it, it's just that it takes concentration for her to get the words out. So again this is slow but she is making progress so that is good! And look here, she is starting to write her name!! Her teachers are truly amazing!

2. Physical Development-Since starting the enzymes a few months back Hope has finally put on some height and weight. She's still super small for her age but at least she has grown out of the 18mo sizes and we are finally in 2T and even some 3's!!! She also has the tiniest feet, still in a size 5 at almost 4 years old! The enzymes have really helped her overall health improve though, she's finally now absorbing the nutrients she needs. Her skin is better, her coloring is better, her hair is growing more and so she is just overall much healthier than she was a year ago. She's currently undergoing some genetic testing and we don't have results back yet from that but I'm praying that the pancreatic issue she has will eventually resolve itself and that she will just continue to grow, gain weight and be healthy.

Our little gymnast today!

3. Sleep-Bedtime is one of my favorite times with the kids. I love reading to them and tucking them in and Hope and I have our own little bedtime routine. I love how she cuddles in my lap while we read a few books, sing some songs and say our prayers. It's definitely a bonding time for both of us. One thing we are working on right now is trying to get her to stay in her room until I turn the hall light on in the morning. For a while she was waking up really early and would then get up and wake everyone else up so I instituted the "wait for the light" rule. She doesn't really like this rule and so sometimes we start our day kind of cranky because she wants to get up when she wants to get up! So that's a work in progress:) One thing we have made progress on, that I didn't mention in her 9 month update, is how Hope used to rock her head back and forth to put herself to sleep. This is a self soothing habit a lot of babies in institutions will acquire because they don't have someone to rock them to sleep or comfort them when they're upset. Hope would not only do this at night when she was going to sleep but also anytime she was really upset or tired she'd start rocking her head back and forth. I used to have to roll up towels to put in her car seat to keep her from rocking so much. A year later I can say that it is very rare for me to see her do this anymore and I'm hoping that by next year I'll be able to say that she's completely dropped this habit!

Jan. 10, 2016-Our first night together, she fell asleep in my lap and slept all night. 

Bed time snuggles

4. Food-Did I say before that she's a slow eater? Well, Hope is a REALLY slow eater. I will generally sit her down to start eating before everyone else just because I know she's going to be sitting at the table long after everyone else is done. She's still not too picky and will try most anything but her favorites right now are eggs, mac & cheese, yogurt, applesauce and my personal favorite, chocolate! I can usually encourage her to finish up her dinner a little more quickly if I just put a hershey's kiss in front of her plate:)

And let's just relive this moment here above, her first Chick-fil-A experience:) Didn't take long before she was begging for those waffle fries!

5. Attachment-In our eyes Hope has attached really well to all of us this past year. I notice little things like when we are in a store how she will stick close to me and how she comes running to me for help or if she's hurt. These are good signs of attachment but then I also notice how I can leave her with anyone, anywhere and she really doesn't seem to think twice about it. For example, our home church was closed because of snow this past weekend so we went to another local church that she had never been to before and she walked right in to the classroom like it was no big deal. Now maybe that's just her personality but it's just something that none of my boys would ever have done that easily at her age so it just makes me wonder wether she would just go to anyone and attach to them as easily as she attached to us? I really don't know the answer to that question but am just grateful to be able to love her and feel loved by her in return.

6. The Dogs-Since the last update we actually lost our 16 year old Jack Russell 'Gaby' so now we just have our Zoe:( I will say though that Hope has really grown to love dogs. It's almost a little too much because she doesn't really have any fear of them and not all dogs are as tolerant of little kids being in their face as our Zoe is. It's just so funny to me to think of how terrified she was of the dogs when she first came home and now to see how crazy she is about dogs!
7. Going Out-She still loves being on the go. She is my favorite one of all the kids to take shopping with me because she loves to go and does not complain:) I foresee lots of fun mother daughter shopping trips in the future!
8. Playing-Hope and Noah are best buddies right now. These two are constant companions so there is lots of playing and then of course lots of fighting. Noah has really been such a great teacher for Hope and he really watches out for her. I'll miss the two of them being together so much when he goes to school in the fall. Right now her favorite things to do are making forts, playing in the backyard, going on walks and as we found out this weekend playing in the snow and sledding! This girl has no fear and loved going as fast she could go down the hills. Once she hit the bottom she would hop off and start pulling her sled back up the hill and don't even think about trying to help her back up because she was going to do it herself! She really puts 100% of herself into everything she does and this is where I see the positive side of her strong willed nature coming through:)

9.Her Skin-I can't believe I'm even saying this considering how bad her skin was 6 months ago but her skin is almost a non issue at this point. We still use the steroid on her dry spots occasionally and she still scratches from time to time but it is nothing compared to what we were dealing with over the summer. I'm hoping that this trend continues to just get better and better.
10.Favorites-Hope's favorites right now are her baby dolls, chapstick (which she really enjoys rubbing all over her face), all the toys Noah got for Christmas, going to all of her speech and gymnastics classes and watching Frozen sing alongs on You Tube.

When I think about where we were a year ago with so many fears and uncertainties, I'm so glad we're on this side now! We've had highs and we've had lows this year but Hope is the one who has had to overcome so much and has had to adjust to a completely different way of life. Her resilience truly amazes me. When I say she puts 100% into everything she does, I really mean that. She loves hard and she crashes hard. She makes her presence known wherever she goes and she may still have a long way to go in the speech department but that doesn't stop her from getting her point across. I still have moments when I look at her and can't believe that this little girl from the middle of China ended up on the other side of the world eating fried okra with her family in NC. Only God could do this and I'm so grateful. She's truly a dream come true and I look forward to having this front row seat to watch God's beautiful plan for Hope's life unfold over the years. The best is yet to come!

Hope 9 month Post Adoption Update

I was inspired by the blog, Mix and Match Mama, to put together an update on Hope after 9 months as a Weber! So I've taken the categories she used to give updates on her daughter and written some things about Hope. I wish I had kept better updates along the way but my intentions are always better than reality. I remember reading a post from Jen Hatmaker after just getting home and she said that it would take 4-5 months for life to start to feel like normal again and I think she was completely right. Those first few months were really hard just trying to figure out who this child was that we had brought into our family, and at the same time she was trying to figure us out and testing lots of waters:) We are still a work in progress over here but really we're a work in progress with each of our kids, they are all constantly keeping us on our toes!

1. Language- Hope completely understands English at this point you just might not understand her:) She amazed us right from the start with how quickly she picked up English and other than a word here or there she comprehends everything she hears. So her receptive language is great however her expressive language has been much slower to come. She's currently in speech two days a week and she's making progress but it's a very, very slow progress. She can say a ton of words by themselves it's just when it comes to putting two words together that she struggles, so we are working on that.

2. Physical Development-We like to say Hope is small but mighty! She really is super petite and even though she eats really well she hasn't put on any weight since being home. A lot of people would tell me their child went through a stage where they just plateaued for a while and that she would eventually catch up, but you know when you just have that mama's intuition that something wasn't right? Well, that's how I felt, and after tons of testing they did find that Hope has something called Pancreatic Insufficiency. Most kids who have pancreatic insufficiency have cystic fibrosis but she has tested negative for that so at this point we're still working to figure out why she has this. Her GI doctor is consulting with a geneticist and a pulmonologist to see what our next steps might be in figuring this out. What this means for now in her day to day life is that she has to take a pill, an enzyme to help her digest and absorb the nutrients in her food, before she eats anything and I mean anything. If she wants a pack of fruit snacks, pill first. Cup of milk, pill first. Goldfish at church, pill first. While it's definitely not convenient we're glad we've figured out what she needs to help her start growing.

3. Sleep-Hope is a great sleeper, thank goodness!!!! All my kids are pretty good sleepers so I'm glad she's continued the trend. She's slept in her own room, in a big girl bed from day 1 with no issues. I did sleep with her for the first few weeks but it was an easy transition back to my own bed.

4. Food-I think she's completely Americanized in her tastes now! The girl loves a hot dog, fries and pizza. She also likes lots of good for her things like avocado, eggs, nuts and fruit. She still loves her noodles but she's not as crazy about rice anymore and although she initially disliked any kind of candy or sweets, she quickly overcame that and now loves her dessert as much as the next kid. She will try anything once and there's not much she doesn't like so we are happy about that.

5. Attachment-This has been really easy for us. Hope is very affectionate towards us and the boys and even though she is also really trusting and affectionate with other people as well I think she's finally realized we are her people. I'm thankful for how easily she has allowed us to love her and has loved us in return.

6. The dogs-Well it took a really long time but I think I can finally say she "likes" the dogs now, and on a bad day she at least tolerates them. She completely freaked out the first time she saw the dogs and we had to keep them away from her for a long time but now she loves to feed them her snacks and will even pet them as long as it's on her terms. She doesn't like them approaching her though she still wants to be the one initiating the contact:) But if she sees a dog when we're out and about she always gets excited and wants to go see it, she just generally likes to keep them at arm's length!

7. Going Out- Hope loves being on the go! She is great in the car and easy to take out and about as long as I can keep her in a stroller or buggy. Once the girl gets on her own two feet she gets a little wild so our outings are typically places like Chick fil a and the park where kids running wild is an okay thing:)

8. Playing-She is great playing by herself or with other kids. The sharing part is still difficult at times but then other times she will really surprise me and share a toy with someone. She and Noah have become really good buddies over the past couple months and play really well together. I had initially had them both signed up for preschool but decided our schedules needed a little less going on so I pulled them both out and it has been the best decision for us. We have plenty to do between Hope's appointments, activities and just running around that we don't miss having to get up and out the door for school too.

9. Her Skin- It is SO much better!!! She has head to toe severe eczema and this was such a daily stress and battle for us really up until about a month and a half ago when we got it under control. We're seeing an amazing pediatric dermatologist at Duke who said he did not think her eczema was allergy related and even though I was resistant to using topical steroids on her it is truly the only thing that works for her. We tried the gluten free, dairy free diets, essential oils, wet wraps, lotions, allergy testing and finally just decided that she needed relief from the constant itching. She would scratch all night long and would just cry some days because it was so bad. She is really like a different child now that she feels better and we don't have to keep her covered all the time either. We are told that she will grow out of this so we will just continue to manage it until that time comes.

10. Favorites-Some of Hope's favorite things right now are going to gymnastics, going to church, going to the gym (she likes going anywhere she can play in a group with other kids!), loves the swings, balls, balloons, bubbles, reading books, playing with her brothers and being outside.

This little firecracker has truly changed our lives for the better. We thought we had some spice in our life before she showed up but she has taken it to a whole other level:) She is super strong willed, very opinionated, extremely social and absolutely nothing like her brothers. We are just having so much fun with this little ball of personality, she has really come such a long way in a short amount of time and we are so blessed to call her ours!!! Hope you've enjoyed the update!

A final word on this chapter

This summer I was given an amazing gift. I was able to see and hold the little girl we thought was going to be our daughter just over two years ago now. Her name is now Louisa Mae and she is thriving in a beautiful family that loves her so well. The reunion was emotional on both sides but for me it was a full circle moment and an answer to years of prayers. 

The last time I saw Louisa was the most traumatic experience of my life, there was so much emotional turmoil and confusion. Since then so many have prayed hard for this little girl and asked God to move mountains for her and I have been blessed to witness amazing things happen in her life. There are so many stories I could tell you of unexplainable things that have happened along the way in this adoption story. Except that it is explainable. This is simply how God works. He has not only answered our prayers for this child, but He showed up in BIG ways. God has done things I never even dreamed were possible two years ago when life felt completely upside down. To be able to hold this child again, in her home where she is happy and safe and growing was truly a miracle on so many different levels. I will never stop thanking God for what He has done in Louisa's life and mine. One statement I could relate to through this whole journey is a quote I came across from author Jennie Allen, "We like to see great testimonies of God’s grace, but we don’t want to be the testimony." Isn't this true?! No one wants to go through what we have been through but the unfortunate reality is that people do and they need to hear from others who have been there and walked in their shoes that God is still faithful. I believe that over the last two years God has carried me through this difficult season and brought comfort and healing in order that I might be able to comfort others and point them to the true Healer. So that brings me to this point. For the past 4+ years that I've been a part of the adoption community I've read many blog posts and discussions written on the topic of disruption from people who have never experienced it first hand but never anything from someone who has walked that path. I'd like to share my heart from my personal experience and speak to those people who probably feel very alone after finding themselves at what should be the end of their adoption journey only to now be at the beginning of another unexpected, painful journey. 


I'll preface this by saying that NO ONE wants an adoption to fail at any point and so much has been written to help encourage families to not end up in this place. My hope is that no family would ever end up on this path but when they do, there needs to be support, encouragement and direction. If you've been in adoption circles long enough you've heard it said many different ways: Say yes to adoption! Don't FEAR (Forget Everything And Run)! Step out of your comfort zone! This is the mindset we go into an adoption with and this is what we want but what happens when reality and fear come caving in and that courage you were so sure of fails you? What happens when you feel like everything that seemed so right suddenly feels so wrong? Confusion clouds your thinking, nothing makes sense and you find yourself unable to go on. I know how it feels to be paralyzed by your emotions and blindsided by a choice you never for one second thought you'd find yourself making. I'd like to offer four truths I've learned from this chapter of our adoption journey in the hopes that it will help other families who find themselves in this same situation, just trying to make sense out of the chaos.

1. God is still in control.


“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

This is number one and so important for us to grasp hold of. Do not allow yourself to think that you have messed everything up for your life or this child's life. That because of you this child has no hope and no future. Although you are in a state of complete shock this did not surprise God in the least. And although everything is foggy to you now He sees clearly what you can not even comprehend at this point. Someone once told me to remember this, HE is the Father to the fatherless, not you, and He will take care of His children. It's incredibly easy for adoptive families to be given the superhero status which leads to us carrying such a heavy burden when things go wrong. We need to first get our perspective straight and put God back up on the pedestal where He belongs. Then remember who God is; He is good, He is the rescuer, He is always in control and His plans are not altered because of you. You can lay that burden down and rest in who He is.

2. God heals and forgives.


"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight." Isaiah 45:2
"For the Lord your God is gracious and merciful and will not turn away his face from you, if you return to him.” 2 Chronicles 30:9

There's two ways this can go. You're going to either end up knowing you made the right, albeit impossibly heart wrenching, decision or you'll find yourself concerned that you panicked in a difficult situation and made the wrong decision. I read something that Lysa Terkeurst wrote that said something to the effect of, "If you make the wrong choice while seeking to do God's will it is an error, not the end." This is so, so true. We are not always going to get it right. Fear is a powerful force and can lead us to make decisions that are safe but not always right. However, I don't believe that every person who's walked away from an adoption has made a wrong choice. I truly believe that a child needs to not just be in any home but needs to be in the RIGHT home. Adoption begins with a choice. There are lots of choices that must be made after making the initial choice to adopt. Will your adoption be domestic or international? Baby or older child? Healthy or special needs? What types of special needs? Boy or girl? The list goes on and on and none of these are black & white decisions. It's totally dependent on the family, their personal dynamics and for the Christian how they feel God is leading them. Unfortunately, it's not always so easy to know where God is leading. Sometimes we will feel confident it is one way only to find out He had something else in mind. No one can tell you in this situation what is right or wrong for your family. You make these decisions as a family and have to be 100% on board because this is a life long commitment to love and care for another child as your own. That being said if you do get to the place where you feel you ran in fear from what God was calling you to, know that He is a God of love. He is full of mercy and grace and will not turn you away. Ask His forgiveness and then leave it at the cross, it has already been dealt with there. Do not allow Satan (or any other person) the power of pushing you into a pit of despair. In either circumstance whether you feel like you may have made a decision out of fear or whether you feel your decision was the right one, God can heal the wounds we carry. He does not want you to live in a defeated state. Pick your head up, pray for healing and know that He will have victory over this and even use it for His glory if you allow Him to. 

3. God redeems and restores.


"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."Isaiah 43:19

I will tell you that when you are desperate to hear from God, you will hear from Him. If you allow Him to, God will show up and speak to you through His word in ways you never experienced before. Things will begin to take shape, the future may still look foggy but you will begin to realize that there is a way out of this dark, confusing place and it is by following His lead. Stay close to Him and soak in His words. It is right in the middle of His life giving word where the healing takes place. This is where restoration happens and redemption becomes real and personal. The refinement process begins and  God will start taking the ashes that you have laid down before Him and turning them into something beautiful. He's not finished with your story yet.

4. There is Hope.


"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."Psalm 37:7
"At daybreak, Lord, You hear my voice; at daybreak I plead my case to You and watch expectantly." Psalm 5:3

It's so important to believe that there really can be hope again! At some point when healing has dawned you will find yourself with the courage to move forward again. I love the advice Lysa Terkeurst gives in her book The Best Yes to just, "Do the next good thing!" This is what I would tell myself when I was ready to do what God had for me next but didn't feel like I could see what the next thing was. I finally realized that I simply needed to strive to do well what He put right in front of me. The next good things ended up being simple things like focusing on loving my family well, putting time and energy into my relationship with God and taking small opportunities to serve others. There's no way to tell what your small steps of obedience might lead to but as I was working through this process of uncovering what God had for me next, I repeatedly would come across these verses that reminded me to "wait patiently" and "watch expectantly". So with hope I prayed and I waited and I expected that God was going to do something with our journey and you know what? He did, in both the life of my family and Louisa's life. You will learn so much on this journey. Just keep taking one day a time and putting one foot in front of the other. God's still got great things planned ahead, stay the course and see it through. There is hope and new dreams to be born again. 

So if you find yourself here, staring down the same dark road I was on two years ago, and you need to know, "Now what?" Here are some practices that helped me. First, focus on renewing your mind every day through bible study and prayer. Let God's word be the first thing and last thing you think about each day if you can. If God's word is not filling your mind you're going to leave room for Satan to slip in with defeating thoughts. Don't give him that opportunity. Also, read some good inspirational books or get involved in a bible study. I read like crazy when I came home and it really helped my wandering, confused mind to focus on something good. Finally, I would suggest reflecting quietly. Don't feel the need to explain to others what you do not even understand yourself. It's very hard in a world of social media to not want to share things or even feel like you owe everyone an explanation but you really don't, so pull back and allow yourself time to reflect. Your emotions are going to be all over the place and you're going to feel different ways depending on the day. This will take time to get perspective and clarity, so allow yourself that time. Don't ever underestimate what God can do with a desperate situation. He has plans that you can not even imagine right now and sometimes He blesses us to be able to see a glimpse of His hand at work in our lives. Just recently I was cleaning up this blog when I happened to notice the first blog post I ever wrote at the very beginning of our adoption journey. (It is the only old post I have left remaining public.) I had to catch my breath when I noticed that my first entry was posted on the exact day our daughter Hope was brought to the orphanage when she was two days old. The EXACT day. If that doesn't blow you away, I then noticed the one word highlighted in the paragraph was "Hope". Amazing. Totally blown away. God is good my friends and He knew from the start where the crooked path of our adoption journey would lead. These pictures here below of Louisa and I reunited, this is what God does with the ashes of our lives when we turn them over to Him. He transforms them into something beautiful. Praise God!  

"If I told you my story

You would hear hope that wouldn't let go

If I told you my story

You would hear love that never gave up

If I told you my story

You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

To tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story

You would hear victory over the enemy

If told you my story

You would hear freedom that was won for me

If I told you my story

You would hear life overcome the grave

This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long"

My Story-Big Daddy Weave

Welcome to what I hope will be a journal of my family's experiences through the adoption process! I say "hope" because I am not a writer, I don't enjoy writing, and as much as I love the thought of having things recorded it's never been enticing enough for me to actually do it. So, this is a new venture for our friends and family to be able to know where we're at with our adoption as well as to hopefully be able to look back at the big picture when it's all said and done and see what God has done. Where are we at now? We've just received our home study in the mail and next step is to send it off to USCIS (US Immigation Services) to be approved to adopt a child from China. Like everything else this could take a couple of weeks but we feel like we are getting closer! We feel like we are starting to come out of the paperwork tunnel we have been in for the last 6 months and can almost see the light at the end! That light would be the day we see our daughters face for the first time, and oh how I can't wait for that day to be able to put a face to the girl names swirling around in my head. I know God already has her picked out for us and I know that she is waiting for us at this very moment, which makes this process so hard and seem so unbearably long at times. So for now we'll just keep moving forward and waiting, praying, hoping & probably notarizing a few more documents:) I'll do my best to keep you updated on our journey!