This summer I was given an amazing gift. I was able to see and hold the little girl we thought was going to be our daughter just over two years ago now. Her name is now Louisa Mae and she is thriving in a beautiful family that loves her so well. The reunion was emotional on both sides but for me it was a full circle moment and an answer to years of prayers.
The last time I saw Louisa was the most traumatic experience of my life, there was so much emotional turmoil and confusion. Since then so many have prayed hard for this little girl and asked God to move mountains for her and I have been blessed to witness amazing things happen in her life. There are so many stories I could tell you of unexplainable things that have happened along the way in this adoption story. Except that it is explainable. This is simply how God works. He has not only answered our prayers for this child, but He showed up in BIG ways. God has done things I never even dreamed were possible two years ago when life felt completely upside down. To be able to hold this child again, in her home where she is happy and safe and growing was truly a miracle on so many different levels. I will never stop thanking God for what He has done in Louisa's life and mine. One statement I could relate to through this whole journey is a quote I came across from author Jennie Allen, "We like to see great testimonies of God’s grace, but we don’t want to be the testimony." Isn't this true?! No one wants to go through what we have been through but the unfortunate reality is that people do and they need to hear from others who have been there and walked in their shoes that God is still faithful. I believe that over the last two years God has carried me through this difficult season and brought comfort and healing in order that I might be able to comfort others and point them to the true Healer. So that brings me to this point. For the past 4+ years that I've been a part of the adoption community I've read many blog posts and discussions written on the topic of disruption from people who have never experienced it first hand but never anything from someone who has walked that path. I'd like to share my heart from my personal experience and speak to those people who probably feel very alone after finding themselves at what should be the end of their adoption journey only to now be at the beginning of another unexpected, painful journey.
I'll preface this by saying that NO ONE wants an adoption to fail at any point and so much has been written to help encourage families to not end up in this place. My hope is that no family would ever end up on this path but when they do, there needs to be support, encouragement and direction. If you've been in adoption circles long enough you've heard it said many different ways: Say yes to adoption! Don't FEAR (Forget Everything And Run)! Step out of your comfort zone! This is the mindset we go into an adoption with and this is what we want but what happens when reality and fear come caving in and that courage you were so sure of fails you? What happens when you feel like everything that seemed so right suddenly feels so wrong? Confusion clouds your thinking, nothing makes sense and you find yourself unable to go on. I know how it feels to be paralyzed by your emotions and blindsided by a choice you never for one second thought you'd find yourself making. I'd like to offer four truths I've learned from this chapter of our adoption journey in the hopes that it will help other families who find themselves in this same situation, just trying to make sense out of the chaos.
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
This is number one and so important for us to grasp hold of. Do not allow yourself to think that you have messed everything up for your life or this child's life. That because of you this child has no hope and no future. Although you are in a state of complete shock this did not surprise God in the least. And although everything is foggy to you now He sees clearly what you can not even comprehend at this point. Someone once told me to remember this, HE is the Father to the fatherless, not you, and He will take care of His children. It's incredibly easy for adoptive families to be given the superhero status which leads to us carrying such a heavy burden when things go wrong. We need to first get our perspective straight and put God back up on the pedestal where He belongs. Then remember who God is; He is good, He is the rescuer, He is always in control and His plans are not altered because of you. You can lay that burden down and rest in who He is.
2. God heals and forgives.
"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight." Isaiah 45:2
"For the Lord your God is gracious and merciful and will not turn away his face from you, if you return to him.” 2 Chronicles 30:9
There's two ways this can go. You're going to either end up knowing you made the right, albeit impossibly heart wrenching, decision or you'll find yourself concerned that you panicked in a difficult situation and made the wrong decision. I read something that Lysa Terkeurst wrote that said something to the effect of, "If you make the wrong choice while seeking to do God's will it is an error, not the end." This is so, so true. We are not always going to get it right. Fear is a powerful force and can lead us to make decisions that are safe but not always right. However, I don't believe that every person who's walked away from an adoption has made a wrong choice. I truly believe that a child needs to not just be in any home but needs to be in the RIGHT home. Adoption begins with a choice. There are lots of choices that must be made after making the initial choice to adopt. Will your adoption be domestic or international? Baby or older child? Healthy or special needs? What types of special needs? Boy or girl? The list goes on and on and none of these are black & white decisions. It's totally dependent on the family, their personal dynamics and for the Christian how they feel God is leading them. Unfortunately, it's not always so easy to know where God is leading. Sometimes we will feel confident it is one way only to find out He had something else in mind. No one can tell you in this situation what is right or wrong for your family. You make these decisions as a family and have to be 100% on board because this is a life long commitment to love and care for another child as your own. That being said if you do get to the place where you feel you ran in fear from what God was calling you to, know that He is a God of love. He is full of mercy and grace and will not turn you away. Ask His forgiveness and then leave it at the cross, it has already been dealt with there. Do not allow Satan (or any other person) the power of pushing you into a pit of despair. In either circumstance whether you feel like you may have made a decision out of fear or whether you feel your decision was the right one, God can heal the wounds we carry. He does not want you to live in a defeated state. Pick your head up, pray for healing and know that He will have victory over this and even use it for His glory if you allow Him to.
3. God redeems and restores.
"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."Isaiah 43:19
I will tell you that when you are desperate to hear from God, you will hear from Him. If you allow Him to, God will show up and speak to you through His word in ways you never experienced before. Things will begin to take shape, the future may still look foggy but you will begin to realize that there is a way out of this dark, confusing place and it is by following His lead. Stay close to Him and soak in His words. It is right in the middle of His life giving word where the healing takes place. This is where restoration happens and redemption becomes real and personal. The refinement process begins and God will start taking the ashes that you have laid down before Him and turning them into something beautiful. He's not finished with your story yet.
4. There is Hope.
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."Psalm 37:7
"At daybreak, Lord, You hear my voice; at daybreak I plead my case to You and watch expectantly." Psalm 5:3
It's so important to believe that there really can be hope again! At some point when healing has dawned you will find yourself with the courage to move forward again. I love the advice Lysa Terkeurst gives in her book The Best Yes to just, "Do the next good thing!" This is what I would tell myself when I was ready to do what God had for me next but didn't feel like I could see what the next thing was. I finally realized that I simply needed to strive to do well what He put right in front of me. The next good things ended up being simple things like focusing on loving my family well, putting time and energy into my relationship with God and taking small opportunities to serve others. There's no way to tell what your small steps of obedience might lead to but as I was working through this process of uncovering what God had for me next, I repeatedly would come across these verses that reminded me to "wait patiently" and "watch expectantly". So with hope I prayed and I waited and I expected that God was going to do something with our journey and you know what? He did, in both the life of my family and Louisa's life. You will learn so much on this journey. Just keep taking one day a time and putting one foot in front of the other. God's still got great things planned ahead, stay the course and see it through. There is hope and new dreams to be born again.
So if you find yourself here, staring down the same dark road I was on two years ago, and you need to know, "Now what?" Here are some practices that helped me. First, focus on renewing your mind every day through bible study and prayer. Let God's word be the first thing and last thing you think about each day if you can. If God's word is not filling your mind you're going to leave room for Satan to slip in with defeating thoughts. Don't give him that opportunity. Also, read some good inspirational books or get involved in a bible study. I read like crazy when I came home and it really helped my wandering, confused mind to focus on something good. Finally, I would suggest reflecting quietly. Don't feel the need to explain to others what you do not even understand yourself. It's very hard in a world of social media to not want to share things or even feel like you owe everyone an explanation but you really don't, so pull back and allow yourself time to reflect. Your emotions are going to be all over the place and you're going to feel different ways depending on the day. This will take time to get perspective and clarity, so allow yourself that time. Don't ever underestimate what God can do with a desperate situation. He has plans that you can not even imagine right now and sometimes He blesses us to be able to see a glimpse of His hand at work in our lives. Just recently I was cleaning up this blog when I happened to notice the first blog post I ever wrote at the very beginning of our adoption journey. (It is the only old post I have left remaining public.) I had to catch my breath when I noticed that my first entry was posted on the exact day our daughter Hope was brought to the orphanage when she was two days old. The EXACT day. If that doesn't blow you away, I then noticed the one word highlighted in the paragraph was "Hope". Amazing. Totally blown away. God is good my friends and He knew from the start where the crooked path of our adoption journey would lead. These pictures here below of Louisa and I reunited, this is what God does with the ashes of our lives when we turn them over to Him. He transforms them into something beautiful. Praise God!
"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine
If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him
If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
If told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
If I told you my story
You would hear life overcome the grave
This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long"
My Story-Big Daddy Weave
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